Love, Hope, and Chemo...

Hello Chemo.... my worst nightmare, Guessing i have no choice but welcome you with both of my arms open... news hit me late today! how much i was hoping to avoid you my new best friend to be...
Thought i was fine.. thought i had a choice... well, it was truly only thoughts...
Thought i was going to cry, thought i was going to shout, many times i fear to hear the word chemo, result to i feel that waiting for the right reason to live is like waiting for boat at the airport.. I hate it with passion that i cry so much lately...think soon i will start to wonder how many of my tears were genuine... i might starts to confuse it with my true feelings... i thought to myself.. fuck it.. i will give up on all treatments with what i have left.. make a to do list and go on many trips and buy whatever i want...

A phone call from a friend, and millions of the thoughts on the rest who are here giving me non stop support...woke me up...

I'm walking down the road, stop at the traffic light, gave way to a lady who is on the phone in a hurry, clearly she doesn't need to cross the road before me, but i smile at her and let her pass, she smile back, and turned to me said,"thank you"... 

I feel good...that's right.. i seem to forgotten the simplest thing that makes me happy... concentrated on myself and my life surly only brought me down... doing something good every day, love people, is the positive way to live life, that simple smile with a thank you made my day...

When i think about it with a pure effort i realize that the only things that truly matter in life are the things that we do to make others happy, and the only thing that will truly matter when we leave this earth are our relationships with the people around us we develop. I have been on the wrong path of life for a short while.. feeling extremely low on long waiting time for my treatment plan, missing out on chasing summer sun... not having the life style i used to, not be able to have the latest fashion items... i ignored that i have my loving friends who worries and never stop looking over my shoulders.. 

When i developed a love for things in my lives instead of for life itself i truly miss the point of life. i forgot that material things may be able to satisfy my appetite for a short while, but love will satisfy appetites for lifetimes. Learn how to love people for who they are and use things around me as water to a plant, only to create growth and beauty, not to create and maintain life. It has been a horrible rainy summer in London, Heavy rain showers remind me of challenges in life, i have learnt never ask for a lighter rain, instead pray for a better umbrella... my umbrellas are all the loving friends who is standing by my side during this tough time.. 

To be able to love the people who loves me.. in my case i need to be health... To be able to be healthy.. i am scare to death but my hope is chemo...

Hello Hope, you came just in time... thank you for not letting me down..thank you, people who make me realised, there is always hope, even in time in which i feel that i will never arise from being down in such a horrible way, there is always hope... when i feel as if i have gone as far as i can go, and all forward progress is halted. There is always hope.. when a friend showed me that my negative thoughts not only hurting myself but is hurting everyone around me... hope came to me.... how many times do i need to listen to my dearest and nearest to tell me that never stop believing in yourself, and never stop believing that things can be better, and stay hopeful...

To end on a positive note...to all the people who care and bring hope to me...
The fish said : "i can't see my tears because I'm in the water"
The water said : "i can feel your tears because you are in my heart."
Lesson : we may hide our own hurts and pains but never can we lie to the people who cares for us the most. Words aren't needed for them to know how we are.

It's a wonderful wonderful life

Many who loves the Tech House DJ Luciano will know the story of this years Ibiza Cadenza opening at Pacha.
On the night, anticipation in the air, He who is the main set DJ that thousands of people travelled to see has nearly cancelled his opening gig...  for those who in the know all holding on their phone and breathe waiting for the latest news on whether he is ever going to turn up. After hours delay, He arrived and gave the audience an outstanding emotional set.. why Emotional? It was because the tragic news of the miscarriage of his wife on that very same night....

Words cannot express the grief one feels when one loses love, in this extreme case, Luciano used music... his music, that particular song he last played at 7am in the morning... the lyric, those wise words are used to heal wounds and help us reflect on the tragedy... speak for his heart, many others heart, like we say, you will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost someone/something you truly love....

Now my story.....On the night I was born, Dad was too nervers, he run off to watch a film in the cinema, and when he saw me the 1st time, he said in a joke, I was too hairy to be his daughter....funny how that was my earlest and deepest memory from then.
When i grow older how much i wanted to be pretty, to be good enough as his Daughter, as i dont see him often, when i do, i will do anything to impresse him. and i will use any opportunity to show him off..
He came to my nursery boarding school, as i begged him to, although knowing he was in a hurry to catch a flight to go on one of his long business trip.. just to change my duvet as the season is changing, really i just wanted to spend abit more time with him..after saying good bye to Dad and a long hug that never was enough, I over heard school teacher complained about him, when entering the classroom..he forgotten to take his shoes off and left dirty shoes mark on the floor, the 4 yr old me picked up a mop and cleaned with anger and tears.. i showed the rest no one should say anything bad about him..
after the 1st summer here in England, i went home with some extra weight, he told me i was fat, and if he was as fat as me, he would never go out of the house...  at the age of 14, i had it... i knew he never loved me.. he had decided that since the day i was born...
since then i have never felt bad to mass out his credit card, drop out from banking after all the paths he had plan for me, choose my career in a way that he was never approved..
Years passed, he knew we were not close, he knew i hated that he never gotten to know me as who i become.. so we rarely speak... till the very end....I got a phone call just before he gotten too weak to speak, the weakest i have ever heard  from him, on the other end of the line i heard him ' I love you my baby, i have always love you.' the 1st time and the last time he said it.
Today my dad's lawyer has sent me a letter he wrote me before he passed, i read "from the 1st moment i saw her i stare at her, thinking to myself she doesn't know yet, may be will never know but i know no one ever can hurt her, this is my baby, i will do anything to protect her....." to end he said" i wish she loves me, and know that i love her more than ever, i wish i told her that enough, not only just the once.." i thought to myself and cried....

Have we ever wondered which hurts the most, saying something and wishing we had not? or saying nothing, and wishing we had? so i have decided from today if i love someone even just for the moment, i say it, i say it right then, out loud, or the moment just will pass me by.... i will not make the classic mistake of you never realised how good you have it until you lose it and let the chances pass me by ever again....

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop, my Dad quoted.... and now i learnt that teardrop was love, brought me senses of happiness that warm my heart... so i put on Luciano's song... and smile...