Love, Hope, and Chemo...

Hello Chemo.... my worst nightmare, Guessing i have no choice but welcome you with both of my arms open... news hit me late today! how much i was hoping to avoid you my new best friend to be...
Thought i was fine.. thought i had a choice... well, it was truly only thoughts...
Thought i was going to cry, thought i was going to shout, many times i fear to hear the word chemo, result to i feel that waiting for the right reason to live is like waiting for boat at the airport.. I hate it with passion that i cry so much lately...think soon i will start to wonder how many of my tears were genuine... i might starts to confuse it with my true feelings... i thought to myself.. fuck it.. i will give up on all treatments with what i have left.. make a to do list and go on many trips and buy whatever i want...

A phone call from a friend, and millions of the thoughts on the rest who are here giving me non stop support...woke me up...

I'm walking down the road, stop at the traffic light, gave way to a lady who is on the phone in a hurry, clearly she doesn't need to cross the road before me, but i smile at her and let her pass, she smile back, and turned to me said,"thank you"... 

I feel good...that's right.. i seem to forgotten the simplest thing that makes me happy... concentrated on myself and my life surly only brought me down... doing something good every day, love people, is the positive way to live life, that simple smile with a thank you made my day...

When i think about it with a pure effort i realize that the only things that truly matter in life are the things that we do to make others happy, and the only thing that will truly matter when we leave this earth are our relationships with the people around us we develop. I have been on the wrong path of life for a short while.. feeling extremely low on long waiting time for my treatment plan, missing out on chasing summer sun... not having the life style i used to, not be able to have the latest fashion items... i ignored that i have my loving friends who worries and never stop looking over my shoulders.. 

When i developed a love for things in my lives instead of for life itself i truly miss the point of life. i forgot that material things may be able to satisfy my appetite for a short while, but love will satisfy appetites for lifetimes. Learn how to love people for who they are and use things around me as water to a plant, only to create growth and beauty, not to create and maintain life. It has been a horrible rainy summer in London, Heavy rain showers remind me of challenges in life, i have learnt never ask for a lighter rain, instead pray for a better umbrella... my umbrellas are all the loving friends who is standing by my side during this tough time.. 

To be able to love the people who loves me.. in my case i need to be health... To be able to be healthy.. i am scare to death but my hope is chemo...

Hello Hope, you came just in time... thank you for not letting me down..thank you, people who make me realised, there is always hope, even in time in which i feel that i will never arise from being down in such a horrible way, there is always hope... when i feel as if i have gone as far as i can go, and all forward progress is halted. There is always hope.. when a friend showed me that my negative thoughts not only hurting myself but is hurting everyone around me... hope came to me.... how many times do i need to listen to my dearest and nearest to tell me that never stop believing in yourself, and never stop believing that things can be better, and stay hopeful...

To end on a positive note...to all the people who care and bring hope to me...
The fish said : "i can't see my tears because I'm in the water"
The water said : "i can feel your tears because you are in my heart."
Lesson : we may hide our own hurts and pains but never can we lie to the people who cares for us the most. Words aren't needed for them to know how we are.

It's a wonderful wonderful life

Many who loves the Tech House DJ Luciano will know the story of this years Ibiza Cadenza opening at Pacha.
On the night, anticipation in the air, He who is the main set DJ that thousands of people travelled to see has nearly cancelled his opening gig...  for those who in the know all holding on their phone and breathe waiting for the latest news on whether he is ever going to turn up. After hours delay, He arrived and gave the audience an outstanding emotional set.. why Emotional? It was because the tragic news of the miscarriage of his wife on that very same night....

Words cannot express the grief one feels when one loses love, in this extreme case, Luciano used music... his music, that particular song he last played at 7am in the morning... the lyric, those wise words are used to heal wounds and help us reflect on the tragedy... speak for his heart, many others heart, like we say, you will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost someone/something you truly love....

Now my story.....On the night I was born, Dad was too nervers, he run off to watch a film in the cinema, and when he saw me the 1st time, he said in a joke, I was too hairy to be his daughter....funny how that was my earlest and deepest memory from then.
When i grow older how much i wanted to be pretty, to be good enough as his Daughter, as i dont see him often, when i do, i will do anything to impresse him. and i will use any opportunity to show him off..
He came to my nursery boarding school, as i begged him to, although knowing he was in a hurry to catch a flight to go on one of his long business trip.. just to change my duvet as the season is changing, really i just wanted to spend abit more time with him..after saying good bye to Dad and a long hug that never was enough, I over heard school teacher complained about him, when entering the classroom..he forgotten to take his shoes off and left dirty shoes mark on the floor, the 4 yr old me picked up a mop and cleaned with anger and tears.. i showed the rest no one should say anything bad about him..
after the 1st summer here in England, i went home with some extra weight, he told me i was fat, and if he was as fat as me, he would never go out of the house...  at the age of 14, i had it... i knew he never loved me.. he had decided that since the day i was born...
since then i have never felt bad to mass out his credit card, drop out from banking after all the paths he had plan for me, choose my career in a way that he was never approved..
Years passed, he knew we were not close, he knew i hated that he never gotten to know me as who i become.. so we rarely speak... till the very end....I got a phone call just before he gotten too weak to speak, the weakest i have ever heard  from him, on the other end of the line i heard him ' I love you my baby, i have always love you.' the 1st time and the last time he said it.
Today my dad's lawyer has sent me a letter he wrote me before he passed, i read "from the 1st moment i saw her i stare at her, thinking to myself she doesn't know yet, may be will never know but i know no one ever can hurt her, this is my baby, i will do anything to protect her....." to end he said" i wish she loves me, and know that i love her more than ever, i wish i told her that enough, not only just the once.." i thought to myself and cried....

Have we ever wondered which hurts the most, saying something and wishing we had not? or saying nothing, and wishing we had? so i have decided from today if i love someone even just for the moment, i say it, i say it right then, out loud, or the moment just will pass me by.... i will not make the classic mistake of you never realised how good you have it until you lose it and let the chances pass me by ever again....

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop, my Dad quoted.... and now i learnt that teardrop was love, brought me senses of happiness that warm my heart... so i put on Luciano's song... and smile...

Everyone is fighting their own battle...even the happy ones, yes...

Very bad week, started with discovered friends who like to pick and choose plan that's beneficial the most to them, follow by having my boss's voice in my ear saying how i had to keep him updated with my condition, when he could have spend that 2 mins ask me instead of asking others, but "no offence I'm your boss you report to me" Alex says.. and on top of everything else he is not happy about, apparently I'm not been trusted for my work.. this are coming from my closest friend/boss... Then i had been told that I'm a unease, complicated person and i explain too much.and i make small things seems bigger.(wow i didn't know i have such many qualities)...... here is how i feel towards to these people..

I am sick and tired of people who have so much sorrow for their own struggles and a total lack of empathy for other peoples struggles. I am tired of attempting to be there for other people, only to discover over and over again, that the carelessness of mind that led to their problems will affect me in the end as they exercise their carelessness with me. I am tired of being unperceivable in my relationships, yet having to navigate the endless projections of others concerning who I may be. I am tired of being interpreted through my performance of self. rather than being judged by my potential to be responsive to everything that effects me. Most of all, I am tired of being used and worn down by obligations to the people I love. I am angry that I surrounded by overwhelming social stupidity and protectionism.

I am perhaps most angry that I am so scare to be alone.. but then it is so frustrating to occupy myself confronting the stupidity in so many people. I am now even angry at myself for the horrible things I wish upon stupid people everywhere who insist on a right and wrong, good and evil.

GRRRR... I have taken a deep breathe.. start finishing me and Sylvia's 1000 pieces puzzle...  it really worked... calm me down instantly..
In life i have learnt that making people happy is the best feeling in the world, but i have seem it with my own eyes feel with my heart, that the person who tries to keep everyone happy is always the most lonely person. so never leave them alone because they will never say they need you.. it is hard to see the signs of loneliness, specially when someone seems so upbeat and happy.. i wish i could be selfish, so i would be less lonely and less angry over misunderstandings....so i have decided to give a break from being happy happy today...not the happiest blog ever... but a lesson....

When something bad/disappointed happens you have 3 choices,
1.You can either let it define you
2. Let it destroy you
3. Or you can let it strengthen you....

Art of drawing without an eraser = life

Very intense 2 weeks, had 8 treatments what made me sleep a lot, and painful while im at it.. lost a lot of brain cells but feeling stronger, or just the price tag of the treatment convenced me that, couldn't figure out. one thing im certain of, quitting ciggy helped thats for sure.

Facebook has became my closest and most loyal friend, I will chat with friends on it, go through peoples pages, find out all sort of things, whats going on in the city, events thats happening, all great informations, the not so pleasant part is to make up story on others life from what people post on their pages, Facebook stalking... Fun from time to time, but i've got suck into a world of attention seeking.... and i was not surprise that everyone does a bit of stalking on it...

My relationship with Facebook its base on my job, I use it to expose myself to thousands of people, tell them where i am and what i'm doing, post some cool musics, funny things i see in my daily life.. healthy relationship i would say, to promote the night club i work at, to delivery a style i have... it works...But when people use Facebook on their personal life and expose their relationship with others, that is when it gets dangers, its really not a rocket science... a simple picture or a statuts will lead to millions questions... when i see those things i DONT like to think twice, i have learnt from life, whatever you read from news paper are not necessarily true.. another point is that, whatever you read, it happened already, its the pass.. what are you going to do.. holding on the history that you read? how about looking forward to future, make you own history??

I was never good at history, i had never show interested in this subject at school.. the only thing i love about it, its hold on to the dreams i had in the pass, and hope one day they will become true in my future. As i go through life i try to remember that i have to go through life not being able to go backwards. Every thing i do and every minute i spend are things done and time spent that i will never be able to get back, so i must choose wisely on how, who and what i devote my time to. A lot of people make mistakes in life and then later on regret them, i learnt to realize that what is done is done, and i can't get it back. We have to live life with no regrets, no animosity towards people or things of the past, so that we won't lose our progress.

It doesn't bother me too much if i see a comment that i dont particularity like on Facebook, i wont press the like bottom thats for sure.. but getting into a war of gossiping, cloud my thoughts with few concern phone calls from the "caring/ nosy" friends, these are the things i try to avoid... ohhh the joy of Facebook stalking... I always said to myself, if you dont want regrets, get yourself out of it now, if you are not sure about anything, ask a question instead of gossip!

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, None of us want to be the type of person that lives everyday thinking of what could have been, and thinking of the things that we wish that we would have done, life is too short to always be thinking should've, would've, could've. its perfectly ok to think things over, but sometimes we just have to take life as it comes by....

We have to learn from our past, and learn from our mistakes, and live without the fear of making a mistake, because it is inevitable that we will, when we go through life we have to imagine that every decision that we make is being written with a huge permanent marker, not a pen and not a pencil. we are going to be reminded of our pasts because of our present situations, but the only thing that can limit you from achieving big things in your future is who you are now, not who you used to be....

" the past is behind, learn from it, The future is ahead, prepare for it, The present is here, live it" i have put on Jamie Cullum's Twentysomething... finish this blog on the note of  " i'm still having fun and i guess that's the key, i'm 20something and i'll keep being me, I'm a 20something, let me lie in, leave me alone, i'm a 20something..."

Less is More...

Friends always come to me and ask, "tell me everything, you can trust me i am your friend,"no matter what crazy things i had done i wont hide it... i have always smile at them and do as i told, might sound stupid and naive, but in the back of my head i always know, i have chosen to tell them everything, they are the one proving their friendship.. I get to choose...

Than you have lots of other friends doesn't like the fact that i give out so much information, this is the way i am, and I'm not going to change that... i like to see it as communications, in life we always fight over misunderstanding, lack of communications, often we said, oh i didn't think it matter, well if it didn't matter we won't fight about it now dumb ass...what a waste of time and energy... why do we always create dramas.. can anything be simple?
Anyway, a bad day for me, clearly i was upset by a friend's comment... since when i start to care what other thinks...

It is easy to see that in this world as long as i am being myself someone somewhere will have a problem with it... being myself can be very challenging, because trying to fit in to places such as work place, school, or around friends is a normal human reaction...Not everybody is going to like who i am, that is not up to me, and that isn't why i should concern myself with, only give my time to those who are appreciative of the person that i am, not those that will only tolerate me, or try to change me... not going where i am loved for whom i am will surely result in my compromising who i am at heart in order to fit in....
I had lost few friends along the way... but i have come to an understanding of who i have a friendship with... less friends but surly more friendships....

I thought to myself, you have 2 things to worry about, either you are sick or you are healthy, if you are healthy, you have nothing to worry about, but if you are sick you have 2 things to worry about, you will get well, or you will die, if you get well, you have nothing to worry about, but if you die, you will have 2 things to worry about, you will go up, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go down, you will be so busy shaking hands with old friends you won't have time to worry... voila... i will be fine always, and have absolutely nothing to worry about, happy day!!!less thinking and concern for what others will think about you... more living please!!
A proverb has change the mood of my day, now I'm going to share it with everyone...
Fear less, hope more, eat less chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more.. hate less , love more, and all good things are yours..

littlemisssunshine
xx

Young forever

I stopped to get some dinner in Waitrose on the way to a friend's flat, as i was in line waiting to pay, found a 6 or 7 year old girl with her mum in front of me who had reach what seemed to be the most dramatic point of her life, I couldn't help but listen to this red faced and puffy-eyed little girl crying talking, "I'm not in a good mood today" in which her mum replied " oh... that's not good sweetheart.." "yeah" she said " i just found out that my friend has been telling everyone that i don't like Barbie, and i totally DO like Barbie this year, so then i asked her why she was telling everyone that i didn't, and she called me a lair."now anyone can imagine how horrible this must be for that poor little girl... to have everyone thinking that she doesn't like Barbie, so of course the mum responded with an understanding "well that's not very nice at all" "no.." she said...as they took their turn at the cashier... i was behind chuckling to myself and thinking "oh.. to be a kid again"

I was pretty tough on a friend who was not feeling the best after a night out.... misunderstood a situation and read into it too far... a mistake a child would never made, silent treatment was given, and i was feeling low...I planned a busy day so i don't have to think about it any further, met up with friends watched a movie i was clearly not going to sit till the end to kill time.
I remember when i was a kid, things were pure and innocent, because i didn't know any better, when people, all people were good and nice.. when i have a terrible fight with a friend, then a kiss and a hug will make things all better after a good cry... watch TV for fun, not for killing time and escape from reality.. playing on the street where we knew we'd be safe but didn't know what to be afraid of. fall asleep at night without a care in the world except for look forward the yummy breakfast mum is going to cook in the morning..We were happy to get an ice cream from the pocket money that we get....

I wish things could be just as simple...9pm still i heard nothing from this so called friend!! I wanted to throw this friendship away and called it an end... drama queen Shannon has awaken... then again I desperately wish i could turn the time back, so i could do less thinking, just be nice, let go and have a good day...

life is complicated, It starts before we're ready, it continues while we're still trying to figure out the point of it, and it ends before we've worked out just what to do.... Me few years ago will go through life beating myself up, and thinking negatively when conditions turns sour. Shutting down when times get hard, and not fighting our natural tendency to just give up, but i have learnt that i want to live my life and i don't want to shut down, I must laugh instead of cry, love someone when it is very easy to hate..stop making problems bigger than it is...be just like when we were kids, easy to be pleased....

Friends are families in my life.. There is no way i will let this one goes... Few nice heart felted messages was sent by me, I throw my pride away.. demand a reply and trying make the best out of a bad situation.. At the end of the day i got to talk my way back to this friendship... I'm smiling, and ready to go to bed happy...

We all have things that we'd want to go back and do again, but the truth is, we can't. We have to live in the now and do what we can to make the best of what we have. If you stop and think back to what you did when you were younger, some of it makes a lot of sense today. A lot of it was really stupid and sure, we have a lot more to worry about these days, but it's all the same stuff. Just stop for one moment in time and make it yours. Live it. Be the moment. Think about what is important to you and think about what it really is that you want... It's not that hard if you just try, it could be just as simple as when you were younger.

littlemisssunshine

xx

Cannes 2011.

Holiday Blue, Monday Blue... oh damn you!! how come you always find your way to ruin my days??

Finally I enjoyed Cannes film festival after going there years after years... great to be there when is busy, but my best memory was when there is less issues with taxis and restaurant bookings...

I'm very glad and blessed to stay in a villa that's on top of the hill with a swimming pool facing the sea, watching the sunrise and a walk in the morning was my high light instead of all the parties under the spot lights south of France.. to top it up i even enjoyed a lemon freshly picked from a lemon tree that grows in the villa... :)))))

But the 1st thing i heard when i arrived was not as dreamy, in fact the opposite, that i was not welcome into a famous Japaness restaurant, Me? what have i done now? Alex was asking me the same question.. "who did you upset now?" "I am the one who is upset now!!!" I replied..

I start to think, not so difficult, this person who i did upset has been on my mind..Because some misunderstanding from the pass, an ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend happened to work at this place, and i was mistaken to be rude to her...

What should i do? Should i say sorry now, I haven't done anything wrong! Sorry for not explain the misunderstanding that has been constant on my mind was surly too late, now everyone thinks I'm a bitch, oh dear what have i done? i was torturing myself with my own thoughts..

Couldn't sleep, woke up with cold sweat.. opened my room's windows walked to the pool side, sun is coming out, my minds start to ease by this beautiful view...

So many of us let the ugliness of our personal live blind us from seeing the beautiful things that the world gives daily, like the rising of the sun, beautiful beaches, smell of the grass in the morning.. there will be always sad times during our life, everyone has their own troubles, but if we are only focus on those things, life will be filled with hate, anger, jealousy, pain, so on with a long list of bad feeling that will only make us worse....
In the pass few months, I have learnt to look at life outside of my situations, it is easy to fall into wallow to complain when things aren't going my way, and now days all you hear is people complaining.. we are never happy...but, instead of letting whatever is going on in my life get the best of me, i have taken time out from my life, To enjoy the beauty of it I went for a long nature walk around the villa, listen to the birds singing, and let the soft sun kisses my skin... do things what i truly love deep down...

I wouldn't be human if i wasn't able to think about my actions before committing to them, but sometimes we all tend to over analyse situations, and listening to google takes way too much time..Alex did suggest me to do nothing, but let him handle it..I wanted to ask my friends what i should do. My army of thoughts stopped by the simple beauties that life has to offer.. I stopped worrying about what everyone else's thinks, and live for my own at that moment!

I sent a text to apologised, didn't bother if i will get a reply or even welcome to go to the restaurant for sushi... I was just so blown away by the beautiful view that's in front of me, all i want to do its to make an other person to feel the happiness from me..

Me enjoying the beautiful natural of Cannes out of the crazy scheduled high life of south of France should happen on a regular basic in my daily life, because by doing so helped me put things into perspective, admire the beauty that life still offers in tough times.

In Cannes this year i truly learnt the meaning of "live the moment," if in every moment in our lives we choose to do just that, think less sometimes, and live more all the time.... as I'm writing this blog, my holiday blue has gone,  A song my friend Max showed me with sad lyrics but perfectly song in a happy style... I'm loving this moment.....

Littlemisssunshine
x