Hello Chemo.... my worst nightmare, Guessing i have no choice but welcome you with both of my arms open... news hit me late today! how much i was hoping to avoid you my new best friend to be...
Thought i was fine.. thought i had a choice... well, it was truly only thoughts...
Thought i was going to cry, thought i was going to shout, many times i fear to hear the word chemo, result to i feel that waiting for the right reason to live is like waiting for boat at the airport.. I hate it with passion that i cry so much lately...think soon i will start to wonder how many of my tears were genuine... i might starts to confuse it with my true feelings... i thought to myself.. fuck it.. i will give up on all treatments with what i have left.. make a to do list and go on many trips and buy whatever i want...
A phone call from a friend, and millions of the thoughts on the rest who are here giving me non stop support...woke me up...
Hello Hope, you came just in time... thank you for not letting me down..thank you, people who make me realised, there is always hope, even in time in which i feel that i will never arise from being down in such a horrible way, there is always hope... when i feel as if i have gone as far as i can go, and all forward progress is halted. There is always hope.. when a friend showed me that my negative thoughts not only hurting myself but is hurting everyone around me... hope came to me.... how many times do i need to listen to my dearest and nearest to tell me that never stop believing in yourself, and never stop believing that things can be better, and stay hopeful...
To end on a positive note...to all the people who care and bring hope to me...
The fish said : "i can't see my tears because I'm in the water"
The water said : "i can feel your tears because you are in my heart."
Lesson : we may hide our own hurts and pains but never can we lie to the people who cares for us the most. Words aren't needed for them to know how we are.
Thought i was fine.. thought i had a choice... well, it was truly only thoughts...
Thought i was going to cry, thought i was going to shout, many times i fear to hear the word chemo, result to i feel that waiting for the right reason to live is like waiting for boat at the airport.. I hate it with passion that i cry so much lately...think soon i will start to wonder how many of my tears were genuine... i might starts to confuse it with my true feelings... i thought to myself.. fuck it.. i will give up on all treatments with what i have left.. make a to do list and go on many trips and buy whatever i want...
A phone call from a friend, and millions of the thoughts on the rest who are here giving me non stop support...woke me up...
I'm walking down the road, stop at the traffic light, gave way to a lady who is on the phone in a hurry, clearly she doesn't need to cross the road before me, but i smile at her and let her pass, she smile back, and turned to me said,"thank you"...
I feel good...that's right.. i seem to forgotten the simplest thing that makes me happy... concentrated on myself and my life surly only brought me down... doing something good every day, love people, is the positive way to live life, that simple smile with a thank you made my day...
When i think about it with a pure effort i realize that the only things that truly matter in life are the things that we do to make others happy, and the only thing that will truly matter when we leave this earth are our relationships with the people around us we develop. I have been on the wrong path of life for a short while.. feeling extremely low on long waiting time for my treatment plan, missing out on chasing summer sun... not having the life style i used to, not be able to have the latest fashion items... i ignored that i have my loving friends who worries and never stop looking over my shoulders..
When i developed a love for things in my lives instead of for life itself i truly miss the point of life. i forgot that material things may be able to satisfy my appetite for a short while, but love will satisfy appetites for lifetimes. Learn how to love people for who they are and use things around me as water to a plant, only to create growth and beauty, not to create and maintain life. It has been a horrible rainy summer in London, Heavy rain showers remind me of challenges in life, i have learnt never ask for a lighter rain, instead pray for a better umbrella... my umbrellas are all the loving friends who is standing by my side during this tough time..
To be able to love the people who loves me.. in my case i need to be health... To be able to be healthy.. i am scare to death but my hope is chemo...
Hello Hope, you came just in time... thank you for not letting me down..thank you, people who make me realised, there is always hope, even in time in which i feel that i will never arise from being down in such a horrible way, there is always hope... when i feel as if i have gone as far as i can go, and all forward progress is halted. There is always hope.. when a friend showed me that my negative thoughts not only hurting myself but is hurting everyone around me... hope came to me.... how many times do i need to listen to my dearest and nearest to tell me that never stop believing in yourself, and never stop believing that things can be better, and stay hopeful...
To end on a positive note...to all the people who care and bring hope to me...
The fish said : "i can't see my tears because I'm in the water"
The water said : "i can feel your tears because you are in my heart."
Lesson : we may hide our own hurts and pains but never can we lie to the people who cares for us the most. Words aren't needed for them to know how we are.
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