To be contiune..

2013, a new year, world that we live in didn't end on the date Mayan predicted.. to be honest I was kind of looking forward to it.. I imagined many way of living being one of the survivor.. as if i knew no matter what happen, i am going to be ok.. i guess that's just how you become when you are one of the cancer survivor..

"What happen to your blog Shannon?" "why aren't you writing anymore?" I kept getting asked.. yes, why Shannon? i don't know.. i don't have time!! i have lost my inspirations!!! i cant hardly even remember why i started this blog.. Was i a better person when i was ill?

Confuse.com..

I have got out of cancer but walked into a tougher world... how is that possible.. or is my state of mind has changed? I have picked up my blog with so many questions and its all started after a emergency meeting tonight or shall i say this is the trigger of it...

I saw tears in my boss's eyes the 1st time since i known him... I'm upset, angry but helpless... i found myself in a situation that i cant ignore but face it..

i will never say that i don't have time ever again, i have been given the same amount of the time that were given to everyone, including all the most influential people in the universe...

so 1st step.. i have picked up my blog...

A year later, a healthy me :D

To Start this blog i put on this song on repeat...could not stop smiling... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBup2Xxhmg0

My horrible journey has come to an end.. from the day it came to me like a storm till today it left me with a warm sunny day.. I could not be happier but i cant help but think, "What now? " hello my blog.. i am going to write about what i have learnt....

Through out this battle i have realised who my real friends are, and met new friends..these are the people who kept me going and gave me the incredible strength that i could never possibly have..thanks to all of you who have been here every steps of the way...I have learnt all points below from every single one of you, without you i couldn't have done it.

1. There are moments in life when you wave at someone but they dont wave back..

There are also moments when you trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it..

In our life we need one thing to survive, The ability to realize shit happens.. You step in it, Accept it, get over it and keep moving!

2. There's always, a little truth behind every "I don't know"... A little curiosity behind every "I was just wondering"... A little emotion behind every "I don't care"... A little pain behind every "it's okay"... A little love behind every "I hate you"... A little I need you behind every "leave me alone". 

Too many times we are willing to judge a book by its cover, and not to think of things the way that they really might be if we just choose to use our brains a tad bit more in relation to everything that we deal with, including our daily relationships, in life. Deciphering whether or not there may be more to be heard, is solely up to the person that is listening, for it is not valid to only listen because we must try to understand. 

Don't just go to your friends who's in pain and say "owww im so sorry, i hope you will feel better soon", go and help them, find a solution to easy their pain.. dont just be there in present, but really be there for them..Speed of life that we live in.. people dont even have time to listen, people start to care less..for the ones who never stop caring, they are the one will have people who care about them just the way they deserve.. the rest are just brunch of sad lonely souls..

3. I'm thankful for the people who never left. I never take for granted the people that have been in my live through thick and thin, for these are my true friends. having friends like these it's the only things that help to keep me pushing in periods in which all I want to do is give up.  4, I once read, Life is like making tea. boil your ego, evaporate your thought, flute your sorrows, filter your mistakes and get a taste of happiness. Damn right people lets all cry a little, crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive!!  Live a little, go do things that makes you happy even if it means we are doing things thats not right or following a dream that's been laughed at..  Dream a little...dont't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams.  In the end of the day we all know life it's too short... happiness follows who truly live by this saying...  xxx

"one down three to go" Sylvia

Chemo...one down three to go.....

I'm still not sure what the hell is going on, I'm tired all the time, sleep like a bear in the winter.. bone pain comes and go, not to mention all the other pain all around my body..pain killer become my best friend....
The worst part is the bone pain, i was given a shot after my infusion of the chemo to boost the production of the white cells to fight off infection, this stuff is called Neulasta, its a new drug, the name sounds so powerful, and apparently it will help me last..it feels like they were breaking from inside, like the worst growing pain... today its my 3rd days after the chemo... pain is going away... doctor told me that I'm young, I'm fighting it quicker than he think i will, that i am lucky and i should take a walk out of the house... i may just do that.

I see it all the time in books, or movies or worse, "the news". "x,y,z's life changed that day" "that was the day everything changed"I think all of that is bullshit, it takes more than an event or a moment to change a life or a person, this is because change takes time, i may change, but its not because of a day or an event, i will change because of a process, change takes time...a person's life doesn't just change in an instant or in a day! I have always think like that... how long is my change going to take?
I may be better physically, but my brain still seems clueless about the situation, i haven't dealt with any of this on an emotional level, this has taken a long time. way too long...
David my doctor said I'm Lucky, what is luck? i didn't feel lucky, i felt scared, confused, angry, and incredible amount of the pain.. but i can carry on feeling like that, or i can lie to myself that i feel great.....for a moment i pity myself...whats is wrong with u Shannon...once again u ignore the goods focus on the bads...
everyday for me is a changing process, if i choose not to see those things that help me to get better then i will always stay at where i am, confuse.com..
So i start to go through my brain and msgs, found all the treasures that help me to change... FRIENDS..
those who be with me over last weekend to help me forget about this horrible treatment..
those who took me out for my craving on Asian food on Sunday..
those who wanted to hold my hand through out my 1st treatment
those who sat next to me watching me falling asleep, bring me food and make me realise "yes you do listen mouse"
those who bring me flower and sat next to me watch non stop X factor
those who make me smile with never stop encouraging words, jokes "have you done ur marathon around the house yet"
those who want to come cook plain food knowing that i cant keep food down..Tornado
those who being there every time i crying out loud for help just being there to listen......
those who i can get hold with just by a msg on the phone....

I am lucky, amount of the friends along my side.. and the positive energy, supports I'm getting.. yes i am indeed lucky... i have a family of my own, a circle of friends who is my family...

just after Sylvia put me into sleep,brought me a green tea and hot water bottle... she posted on my face book wall ONE DONE THREE TO GO...

xxxx

Love, Hope, and Chemo...

Hello Chemo.... my worst nightmare, Guessing i have no choice but welcome you with both of my arms open... news hit me late today! how much i was hoping to avoid you my new best friend to be...
Thought i was fine.. thought i had a choice... well, it was truly only thoughts...
Thought i was going to cry, thought i was going to shout, many times i fear to hear the word chemo, result to i feel that waiting for the right reason to live is like waiting for boat at the airport.. I hate it with passion that i cry so much lately...think soon i will start to wonder how many of my tears were genuine... i might starts to confuse it with my true feelings... i thought to myself.. fuck it.. i will give up on all treatments with what i have left.. make a to do list and go on many trips and buy whatever i want...

A phone call from a friend, and millions of the thoughts on the rest who are here giving me non stop support...woke me up...

I'm walking down the road, stop at the traffic light, gave way to a lady who is on the phone in a hurry, clearly she doesn't need to cross the road before me, but i smile at her and let her pass, she smile back, and turned to me said,"thank you"... 

I feel good...that's right.. i seem to forgotten the simplest thing that makes me happy... concentrated on myself and my life surly only brought me down... doing something good every day, love people, is the positive way to live life, that simple smile with a thank you made my day...

When i think about it with a pure effort i realize that the only things that truly matter in life are the things that we do to make others happy, and the only thing that will truly matter when we leave this earth are our relationships with the people around us we develop. I have been on the wrong path of life for a short while.. feeling extremely low on long waiting time for my treatment plan, missing out on chasing summer sun... not having the life style i used to, not be able to have the latest fashion items... i ignored that i have my loving friends who worries and never stop looking over my shoulders.. 

When i developed a love for things in my lives instead of for life itself i truly miss the point of life. i forgot that material things may be able to satisfy my appetite for a short while, but love will satisfy appetites for lifetimes. Learn how to love people for who they are and use things around me as water to a plant, only to create growth and beauty, not to create and maintain life. It has been a horrible rainy summer in London, Heavy rain showers remind me of challenges in life, i have learnt never ask for a lighter rain, instead pray for a better umbrella... my umbrellas are all the loving friends who is standing by my side during this tough time.. 

To be able to love the people who loves me.. in my case i need to be health... To be able to be healthy.. i am scare to death but my hope is chemo...

Hello Hope, you came just in time... thank you for not letting me down..thank you, people who make me realised, there is always hope, even in time in which i feel that i will never arise from being down in such a horrible way, there is always hope... when i feel as if i have gone as far as i can go, and all forward progress is halted. There is always hope.. when a friend showed me that my negative thoughts not only hurting myself but is hurting everyone around me... hope came to me.... how many times do i need to listen to my dearest and nearest to tell me that never stop believing in yourself, and never stop believing that things can be better, and stay hopeful...

To end on a positive note...to all the people who care and bring hope to me...
The fish said : "i can't see my tears because I'm in the water"
The water said : "i can feel your tears because you are in my heart."
Lesson : we may hide our own hurts and pains but never can we lie to the people who cares for us the most. Words aren't needed for them to know how we are.

It's a wonderful wonderful life

Many who loves the Tech House DJ Luciano will know the story of this years Ibiza Cadenza opening at Pacha.
On the night, anticipation in the air, He who is the main set DJ that thousands of people travelled to see has nearly cancelled his opening gig...  for those who in the know all holding on their phone and breathe waiting for the latest news on whether he is ever going to turn up. After hours delay, He arrived and gave the audience an outstanding emotional set.. why Emotional? It was because the tragic news of the miscarriage of his wife on that very same night....

Words cannot express the grief one feels when one loses love, in this extreme case, Luciano used music... his music, that particular song he last played at 7am in the morning... the lyric, those wise words are used to heal wounds and help us reflect on the tragedy... speak for his heart, many others heart, like we say, you will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost someone/something you truly love....

Now my story.....On the night I was born, Dad was too nervers, he run off to watch a film in the cinema, and when he saw me the 1st time, he said in a joke, I was too hairy to be his daughter....funny how that was my earlest and deepest memory from then.
When i grow older how much i wanted to be pretty, to be good enough as his Daughter, as i dont see him often, when i do, i will do anything to impresse him. and i will use any opportunity to show him off..
He came to my nursery boarding school, as i begged him to, although knowing he was in a hurry to catch a flight to go on one of his long business trip.. just to change my duvet as the season is changing, really i just wanted to spend abit more time with him..after saying good bye to Dad and a long hug that never was enough, I over heard school teacher complained about him, when entering the classroom..he forgotten to take his shoes off and left dirty shoes mark on the floor, the 4 yr old me picked up a mop and cleaned with anger and tears.. i showed the rest no one should say anything bad about him..
after the 1st summer here in England, i went home with some extra weight, he told me i was fat, and if he was as fat as me, he would never go out of the house...  at the age of 14, i had it... i knew he never loved me.. he had decided that since the day i was born...
since then i have never felt bad to mass out his credit card, drop out from banking after all the paths he had plan for me, choose my career in a way that he was never approved..
Years passed, he knew we were not close, he knew i hated that he never gotten to know me as who i become.. so we rarely speak... till the very end....I got a phone call just before he gotten too weak to speak, the weakest i have ever heard  from him, on the other end of the line i heard him ' I love you my baby, i have always love you.' the 1st time and the last time he said it.
Today my dad's lawyer has sent me a letter he wrote me before he passed, i read "from the 1st moment i saw her i stare at her, thinking to myself she doesn't know yet, may be will never know but i know no one ever can hurt her, this is my baby, i will do anything to protect her....." to end he said" i wish she loves me, and know that i love her more than ever, i wish i told her that enough, not only just the once.." i thought to myself and cried....

Have we ever wondered which hurts the most, saying something and wishing we had not? or saying nothing, and wishing we had? so i have decided from today if i love someone even just for the moment, i say it, i say it right then, out loud, or the moment just will pass me by.... i will not make the classic mistake of you never realised how good you have it until you lose it and let the chances pass me by ever again....

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop, my Dad quoted.... and now i learnt that teardrop was love, brought me senses of happiness that warm my heart... so i put on Luciano's song... and smile...

Everyone is fighting their own battle...even the happy ones, yes...

Very bad week, started with discovered friends who like to pick and choose plan that's beneficial the most to them, follow by having my boss's voice in my ear saying how i had to keep him updated with my condition, when he could have spend that 2 mins ask me instead of asking others, but "no offence I'm your boss you report to me" Alex says.. and on top of everything else he is not happy about, apparently I'm not been trusted for my work.. this are coming from my closest friend/boss... Then i had been told that I'm a unease, complicated person and i explain too much.and i make small things seems bigger.(wow i didn't know i have such many qualities)...... here is how i feel towards to these people..

I am sick and tired of people who have so much sorrow for their own struggles and a total lack of empathy for other peoples struggles. I am tired of attempting to be there for other people, only to discover over and over again, that the carelessness of mind that led to their problems will affect me in the end as they exercise their carelessness with me. I am tired of being unperceivable in my relationships, yet having to navigate the endless projections of others concerning who I may be. I am tired of being interpreted through my performance of self. rather than being judged by my potential to be responsive to everything that effects me. Most of all, I am tired of being used and worn down by obligations to the people I love. I am angry that I surrounded by overwhelming social stupidity and protectionism.

I am perhaps most angry that I am so scare to be alone.. but then it is so frustrating to occupy myself confronting the stupidity in so many people. I am now even angry at myself for the horrible things I wish upon stupid people everywhere who insist on a right and wrong, good and evil.

GRRRR... I have taken a deep breathe.. start finishing me and Sylvia's 1000 pieces puzzle...  it really worked... calm me down instantly..
In life i have learnt that making people happy is the best feeling in the world, but i have seem it with my own eyes feel with my heart, that the person who tries to keep everyone happy is always the most lonely person. so never leave them alone because they will never say they need you.. it is hard to see the signs of loneliness, specially when someone seems so upbeat and happy.. i wish i could be selfish, so i would be less lonely and less angry over misunderstandings....so i have decided to give a break from being happy happy today...not the happiest blog ever... but a lesson....

When something bad/disappointed happens you have 3 choices,
1.You can either let it define you
2. Let it destroy you
3. Or you can let it strengthen you....

Art of drawing without an eraser = life

Very intense 2 weeks, had 8 treatments what made me sleep a lot, and painful while im at it.. lost a lot of brain cells but feeling stronger, or just the price tag of the treatment convenced me that, couldn't figure out. one thing im certain of, quitting ciggy helped thats for sure.

Facebook has became my closest and most loyal friend, I will chat with friends on it, go through peoples pages, find out all sort of things, whats going on in the city, events thats happening, all great informations, the not so pleasant part is to make up story on others life from what people post on their pages, Facebook stalking... Fun from time to time, but i've got suck into a world of attention seeking.... and i was not surprise that everyone does a bit of stalking on it...

My relationship with Facebook its base on my job, I use it to expose myself to thousands of people, tell them where i am and what i'm doing, post some cool musics, funny things i see in my daily life.. healthy relationship i would say, to promote the night club i work at, to delivery a style i have... it works...But when people use Facebook on their personal life and expose their relationship with others, that is when it gets dangers, its really not a rocket science... a simple picture or a statuts will lead to millions questions... when i see those things i DONT like to think twice, i have learnt from life, whatever you read from news paper are not necessarily true.. another point is that, whatever you read, it happened already, its the pass.. what are you going to do.. holding on the history that you read? how about looking forward to future, make you own history??

I was never good at history, i had never show interested in this subject at school.. the only thing i love about it, its hold on to the dreams i had in the pass, and hope one day they will become true in my future. As i go through life i try to remember that i have to go through life not being able to go backwards. Every thing i do and every minute i spend are things done and time spent that i will never be able to get back, so i must choose wisely on how, who and what i devote my time to. A lot of people make mistakes in life and then later on regret them, i learnt to realize that what is done is done, and i can't get it back. We have to live life with no regrets, no animosity towards people or things of the past, so that we won't lose our progress.

It doesn't bother me too much if i see a comment that i dont particularity like on Facebook, i wont press the like bottom thats for sure.. but getting into a war of gossiping, cloud my thoughts with few concern phone calls from the "caring/ nosy" friends, these are the things i try to avoid... ohhh the joy of Facebook stalking... I always said to myself, if you dont want regrets, get yourself out of it now, if you are not sure about anything, ask a question instead of gossip!

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, None of us want to be the type of person that lives everyday thinking of what could have been, and thinking of the things that we wish that we would have done, life is too short to always be thinking should've, would've, could've. its perfectly ok to think things over, but sometimes we just have to take life as it comes by....

We have to learn from our past, and learn from our mistakes, and live without the fear of making a mistake, because it is inevitable that we will, when we go through life we have to imagine that every decision that we make is being written with a huge permanent marker, not a pen and not a pencil. we are going to be reminded of our pasts because of our present situations, but the only thing that can limit you from achieving big things in your future is who you are now, not who you used to be....

" the past is behind, learn from it, The future is ahead, prepare for it, The present is here, live it" i have put on Jamie Cullum's Twentysomething... finish this blog on the note of  " i'm still having fun and i guess that's the key, i'm 20something and i'll keep being me, I'm a 20something, let me lie in, leave me alone, i'm a 20something..."